Arrrg!  Today is Talk Like A Pirate Day, lads and lasses!   Have fun, me hearties!! Yo ho!

I don't know what to write.  Just that I'm grouchy and moody and really bored.  My brain is all fuzzy and noncompliant, and yet it still is begging me for input. 

Someone help.

I did a horrible thing today.  I was supposed to call the daycare I work at and find out my schedule for today, but instead, I slept until 11:30.  For the most part it was a conscious decision... I woke up about 7am and grabbed my cell phone to call, but then set it down and went back to sleep.  I know I don't want to work there, and I know that they are really flaky about giving me the times they want me to work and are even worse flaky about giving me proper breaks, but... that doesn't mean I should purposefully not show up.  I feel so... confused and upset with myself.  If I don't work there, where am I going to work?  So far, it looks like Bartell's is a no, and Food Emporium hasn't called me in two weeks... and I haven't called them... so it doesn't look like they'll think I'm that desperate for a job.  But, I am.  The thing is, I don't want to work at a grocery store either.  I don't know WHERE I want to work.  Nothing at all seems interesting or appetizing to me.  Part of that, I think, is that I'm stressed out and depressed to the max.  I hate being lazy and indecisive.  I hate that I purposefully procrastinate so that I end up backed against a wall and have to jump at the first job that is offered to me, and then hate it.   And then willfully avoid it. *sigh*

All of this is my fault.  I suppose if I wasn't following a tiny bit too close to the truck and hadn't run into him, my car would not STILL be in the shop for over a month.  I suppose I wouldn't have missed those days at work because of my injury and would have known they were changing my schedule, and I would have had a car to show up, no matter how much I disliked it.  I would still have a full time job and some sanity.   I would still dislike working there, but I would have been in a much better place to look for another job, instead of desperately looking for a job that I won't like anyway, I just need money to pay the rent and eat.  silverbrood has been amazingly encouraging and understanding.  He's thankfully not tossing me out on my ear because I suddenly find myself flat broke.  I have just enough money to get my car out of the shop (Whenever the hell that will be.  They've said "Tomorrow" the entire last week I've asked.) and then nothing.  I should have been paid by the daycare last friday but I was camping... And I am now afraid to even show my face there.  Not to mention I think I only worked two or three days that week, so big deal.  I should call them now and explain why I'm not there... why I didn't call, and ask when I can be there tomorrow, but the idea of calling them and telling them what an asshole I am, please don't fire me even though I hate working for you, makes me want vomit.  Though, that could also be because I haven't eaten a decent meal since Monday morning, and that was two eggs and cereal with questionable milk.  (It was totally sour and I couldn't even tell until later. Yuk.)

Mostly, I am just scared.  Plain terrified because for the life of me, I can not decide what I really want to do and then go do it.  It has been a curse that I've struggled with for a very long time, and being upset and depressed and hungry never did help, but I've brought that all upon myself, just like the hard decisions I have to make.  It's really not fair, because I had the most amazing weekend.  The camping trip was one of the most beautiful, relaxing, amazing four days of my life.  And now I'm back being scared and indecisive and depressed. 

I wish... I could stay up in Bellingham, for one.  It is way too beautiful and full of life for its own good and it's not fair.  I want to be there.  Too bad everyone else thinks the same thing and there would never be a house or a job for me there.  I wish, also, that I could suck up my whiney laziness and do the things I don't like to do without losing my will to do other things.  But it seems like the more I go to work at a place I detest the more grouchy and less energetic I am, and I have no patience or want to go anywhere and try to find something better. I would much rather whine about something than fix it, basically.  And I make myself sick just thinking about it, and... I'm not entirely sure what to do about it.  Other than stop being scared all the time.  I'm scared to call the daycare because I know they'll be angry at me, so I would much rather not call them and fret myself into hysterics.  I'm scared to call Food Emporium because I'm pretty sure they filled the position by now and instead of hear that and move on, I wait for them to never call me.  I'm scared to go back to school because I'm not entirely certain I have it in me to do it again. I haven't been to school in two years.  Frankly, I'm terrified. A lot.  Of everything.  I'm a tiny self-conscious girl with a child's mind and a dreadful fear of rejection.  I prefer sleep dep, starvation, and anxiety over the possibility someone will tell me they don't want me anymore.  Or at all.   That's why I have those symptoms so often, I suppose.  Avoidance.  Avoiding reality and the other people in it.

I find myself praying often... even though I have a very very loose grasp on my own beliefs.  It's more a desperate plea that someone will hear me and help me, than a prayer.  Maybe they are the same.  Maybe there is no saving me.

I dreamt about this the other night.

I was doing cool ninja spy work, when suddenly, the city I was in exploded.  There were bombs everywhere and it didn't take long for the whole city (think Seattle sized) to catch fire or lose it's structural stability and slide into the building next to it.  All around was carnage and smoke.  It didn't take much thinking to assume this was some sort of Terrorist activity and so I started looking around.   I found others who had come to this same conclusion and we spread out among the ruins of the city looking for who could have done this. 

We follow a black helicopter through the wreckage to find the den of terrorist just outside the ring of destruction, and listen in on their conversation.  They have something very important that lets them organize these attacks.  A device or ally or something similar, that lets them set off that many bombs at once without getting caught in the process.   We never hear specifically what it is, but we do hear they are planning on moving on to the major city and doing it all over again.

The dream kind of went on from there, but I would hate to give away more of the plot, in case some people would like to rp with me?   Maybe I could make up a d20 Modern game, or something?  Let me know.

Mrf.  I have a job now.  I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I have a job.  *sigh*  I feel like I have no control over anything in my life anymore.  It scares me, and it's starting to worry me.  A lot.  I'm kind of pissed, because I don't know what to do about it.  I don't know.  I just wish I was doing something that I felt proud of and felt like I did something to achieve it, instead of meandering around until I trip over something I don't mind doing for a while.

I just got an email from that guy in Seattle I was talking about.  Apparently I took too long to send in my resume because he already filled the position in between that time. 

I'm a little crushed.  I guess I should be happy, because now I don't have to drive down into Seattle all the time, and I don't have to deal with two jobs, but.. that was what I really wanted to do.

Oh well.  Maybe next time.

I just got a call from a daycare place that was advertising on Craigslist that I had randomly emailed on Sunday.  They want to have me in for an interview TODAY.  They have a position open to watch 3 and 4 year olds, which happens to be somewhat of a speciality for me.   I don't know if I believe in like... spiritual guidance, or whatever, but I just know when I got off the phone with them (and even now) I felt extremely relieved and excited.  So.. maybe this is the job I want! :)

Still waiting on that guy from Seattle on the Enrichment Teacher position I want so bad.  I would be able to teach a bunch of preschoolers music, which has been my passion for many a year now. 

Oh dang, I am so excited.   *dansu~*

Well.  silverbrood is coming home a day earlier than expected, yay!  Also, I promised to have the dishes done by the time he got home  (haha, fat chance, sorry). 

I just got my first member into my fantasy rp community.  I don't know if they are any good... but I'll give it a shot.  I was hoping more people I knew would join... *pouts at you all*


Much with the heavy moving and ow today.  Thankfully tomorrow should be the last day and then they can fend for themselves. (I hope I hope)

Hey doodz and doodettez 

I just made a super cool rp community on LJ cause I'm so addicted to the stuff I have to pass it off on you guys!

it's called fantasyforestrp (totally unique, I know)  http://community.livejournal.com/fantasyforestrp/profile

But, yeah, you should join and rp with me because i'm bored.

*end hyper rant*

Now, my whole life I've been somewhat of a doctor-phobe.  I would WAY rather sit around and be miserable than go to a doctor about it. (I know I know, I'm a total moron)   Anywho.  I've been to the chiropractor about 4 times now because of my injury I got from the accident, and you know what, I am honestly glad my mother dragged me in there.

Today, for the first time in many moons, I have gone the whole day without any horrific neck pain. 

Even with the adjustment I got today at the chiropractor with the cracking and the popping.  Nothing.  It totally surprised and delighted me when I sat down with my little chart, where I'm supposed to right 1-10 how much my neck/mid/lower back feels today and went "Omg. I don't remember my neck hurting at all today.  Holy crap." 

Anyway.  I'm mostly cured of my fear of the chiropractor.  It still is kinda weird letting someone else pop my neck, but... hey.  It doesn't hurt anymore.

So... silverbrood just left for Oregon, not even 10 minutes ago and I'm already kinda... meh about it.  Mostly I'm jealous because I know he's going to have way too much fun down there, and I'm stuck up here doing the dreaded job hunt thing.  Ew. 

I guess I'm going to sit here and pout in front of my laptop until I decide it's time to walk down to QFC and attempt to get a job.

On that note:  I really REALLY want my car back because I am beyond sick of being toted around like a little kid, or walking, or taking the bus, which goes to every other place but the place you want to get to before finally looping around unexpectedly and kicking you out a block away from where you want to get to.  But at the same time, I'm kind of scared to drive.  It's been over a week with no driving and I'm still a little jarred from the accident.   Mostly because the accident proved what a horrible driver I am.  (As if I really needed physical proof, I could have TOLD everyone, but no.)  But I really want to go to L5R tomorrow, considering I missed Star Wars last week.  *le boo*  I cried.  Literally.  That's how hopelessly addicted to roleplaying I am.  I wept.  Ask silverbrood, it was pretty pathetic.

Aaaanyways.  Yeah.  Pouting, and then interview of doom.

Now that I'm here, would one of you be nice enough to show how to work this stupid thing?

*grumble*

Yay incompetency!

I've finally been snared into this LJ thing.

PEER PRESSURE PEER PRESSURE!  I need an adult!